SHE SAYS (It's all in his head)

'I tell you Stella, he's getting madder by the day.What makes me say that?  just listen to the latest rubbish he's going on with. I heard him for myself, just last night, he was talking to his old mate Denis.What exactly was he telling Denis? Well Stella, I'll tell you word for word what he said.

THE WHOLE STORY
'She's got to be bloody jokin mate! I'll wring his scrawny bloody neck, if I ever get near enough to him. The sneaky little swine that he is! Tryin to take my missus off of me! Me! mate! No, no, I haven't had a drink for days mate, so it can't be passed off as as you put it, hallucinations! Hang on just a minute mate, just let me tell you the whole story, then you can form an opinion, and I reckon what's more it will fall in my favor no less. Now just listen to me.

'SHE SAYS ...Oh you're making a fuss over nothing she says, when I fronted them both. Nothin she calls it? bloody nothin! A man walks into his own home and finds his missus flat out on their conjugal double bed, with his so called best mate bendin over her, the slimy, skinny little bastard. 'I fainted'  she tells me, all prim and proper like, and then she goes, 'He was good enough to help me onto the bed. I didn't know where I was', Well neither will he when I'm finished with him. No sooner were those words out of me mouth, than the shifty little snake in the grass runs for it. I after im!.

Mate, there's a dirty big iron bar that I keep propped up at the back door in case of intruders, havin had a premonition some years ago, that somethin was afoot, well there was somethin afoot alright, it chose that moment to fall on me big toe! I fell to the ground like a log. Agony! There's no word for describing the pain mate. I had to call an ambulance to get to emergency. No the missus doesn't drive, never has mate. Me whole foot is in plaster, they reckon it'll take weeks ta heal. Hang on Denis,

 I'm back Denis, can you believe that! she asks me if I want a cup of tea! How can a man think of cups of tea with worries like this runnin through his flamin head, how I ask you? Are you still there Denis? Denis?.'

'You're asking me what happened then Stell,? Well, I gather Denis hung up Stell, he always does, otherwise, I reckon the old boy would rave on and on all night. I'd better hang up too Stella, I can hear his lordship hobbling in on his crutches, and he hates me being on the phone, he reckons I'm always talking about him behind his back, telling people he's mad. My turn to ring you next time Stell, bye.'

Tushie   22/3/12